Was Jesus an existentialist

I tried to find Doug Lobb's sermon he gave the day that Kim had been taken to the hospital.   I especially loved the conversation he had with Jesus over the coffee table that morning at 7am.   He is a funny guy and a good preacher.

He began speaking about the Pharisees taunting Jesus.   "Where is this "Kingdom" you teach about show us and we will believe you."  Jesus told them " I cannot say look to the east and say it is there just over the hill"  "cannot say be patient it is coming or it is down the street to your right".

The kingdom is here.  Under your feet.  Under my feet.  In our everyday life.  In the good deeds ( and the bad) that we do.   I offer you the kingdom now.

A light went on for me.  Perhaps because I have a counselor who is the princess of existentialism.  A philosophy which has been hard for me to grasp.  Maybe because you can't grasp it.  You have to have the faith to let go of everything else.  Now she is an excellent counselor but even she (I think) would have a hard time sitting down and trying to explain existentialism to the Pharisees.  In fact I have a sad picture of my counselor being taken to slaughter for blasphemy.  Even though she is one of the most Christ like persons I know.

When Jesus said the kingdom is "at hand" could he be saying it is now.  You walk in the kingdom, you live in the kingdom.  Take care of our kingdom because this is it.  

I walked out that day and saw everything and everyone differently.   Were my footsteps holy and compelled with the truth that I was already here?   I don't know. but it has made me think more about my relationships, my commitments,  my words,  my works, my compassion.  For is we are actually living in the Kingdom I want to make sure I am taking care of its sometimes unseen grandeur.  Treat it as a gift every morning for I live in the Holy Kingdom of God.

Thank you for the time in between...

silence

I prepared for this Lent journey. It was “other worldly” in its importance. I didn’t know why but I assumed it was my muse poking at me again. I always get excited when my muse begins to bother me. I miss writing. I especially miss writing good things. I just knew that this was going to be a journey of discovery and words winding through it like a river. Lots of “oh wow” moments and the world hold it in high esteem as the quintessential spiritual must read. I just knew it. Not unlike A Christmas Story when he knew that his essay was going to change the world and the teacher would faint…

I began happy with a whole new project with little clues that came from this and that and certainly I am not making fun for all the things that I have learned along the way. But as I look back I have been too busy living Lent than writing about it. The chronicles of my journey lies within the minutes and the hours and the decisions and the emotions, most of which I didn’t take the time to write down.

Thursday is Maundy Thursday, then Good Friday… the sanctuary will be filled with the silence of the night that Christ was taken from us. The hard words written thousands of years ago.  I will cry. I will cry for the experience, all of it. I will cry for the sacrifice of following through with a conviction from a man who I never met but lives in my heart everyday. I will cry for myself for the words that that didn’t come from me in tribute and gratitude. Words I wanted to write but didn’t. Thoughts I wanted to share with people and didn’t. I didn’t write. I have no clue why.

Darkest days are coming. The hardest days are coming

And a celebration of life and resurrection is coming. I have no doubt that this blog will remain quiet. I wish I understood why.

Struggles with myself

Loving God please help me pray not for those things that I want to happen but pray for what you want to happen in my life.  And please help me to understand if they are so opposite of one another.  Grant me stillness in my heart and grace and trust in your greater plan.

amen

Help

Please loving God keep my broken heart from standing in the way of clear mindfulness  and appropriate actions.  Please do not let my sorrow for the damage that has been and is being done to the children I gave birth to make my heart harden with hatred. Please help me remain silent when silence is the only way to can find your comfort and guidance. Please pull me from my mourning of the innocence lost  and be strong so that I can teach healing and safety and faith.

Please give me strength and walk closer to me so that I can be mindful of the promises I have made to you.  Also,  that I may remember and thank you loving God for the blessings which you have already bestowed upon me this Lenton Season

It is a dark night tonight.  I feel so small.  I will go to bed with this prayer in my heart.

amen

Day Two

My blessing is having night terrors, will not eat and has strep throat. 

I will practice praying for my enemies tonight.

Where is my blessing?

I lived here for almost a year and everyday I find a man staying the appropriate amount away from our now smoke free building.  We first just said hello, then a little small talk and then one day we spend a few minutes in the sunshine together.  We talked a bit about kids and cars.   I made the off-hand comment that I haven't cleaned my car in years..... YEARS... seriously.    Late that night he came to my door and asked me if I knew my trunk was open (oh yeah and it was raining).   I thanked him for noticing it and started to put my shoes on but he stopped me and said he would be glad to go do it.   He asked for my keys to make sure my battery wasn't drained.   I didn't think at the time but then this creeping horror came over me because my awful truth was about to be known outside the secret circle of close friends.  My car is a freaking horror!  Once it goes into my car it rarely sees the light of day  (except though the sun roof) .  I paced back and forth until he returned and I said quite embarrssedly,  "like my car?"   And he said without a blink of an eye, "No"  "You and your beautiful children should be sitting in a comfortable and clean car.  I nodded my head in embarrassment and he said,  "I would love the chance to clean it for you" I think I just stood there ready to say no , but before I said anything he said,  "The hardest part of charity is being on the receiving end because we  never believe we deserve it. You deserve it.  Please give me the blessing of giving this to you".   My pastor's voice began to slip in my ears, that it was the moment  I could bless him by saying yes.  I said "Yes" with my eyes first cast to the ground but I raised the long enough to look him sqaurely in the eye and say a heart felt "thank you".  He absolutely beemed with  joy.  He came the next day at 3pm and I handed over my keys.  

At 6pm he came back and handed me several cans of this and that.  He told me how low all my fluids were and the consequences of such.  I thanked him but he say "Oh I am not finished yet"  I looked at him curiouly and said,  "but you spent 3 hours down there.  He said that he had washed all the windows inside and out and checked my fluids but there is more to be done so I will be back again.  I stood speechless.

He then called Hannah to the door.  He said,  "you know when you see your mother smile that smile where her whole face lights up?  She nodded.   "Are you committed to make that happen for 7 days?"   She said,  "of course!  He brought out a beautiful metal "halo" of sorts and said,  "Okay then this is what I want you to do for 7 days.  Every day when your mother's alarm goes off,  go to her with this on your head and wake her up.  Mom you will say,  "where is my blessing"  and Hannah you will say,  "Here I am".  Promise me to do it for one week and you will see that smile on your mother every time."   She laughed and said okay.   He left then to have dinner with his wife.

Then comes morning.  Hannah put the halo on the lamp next to the bed.  She missed my alarm but I couldn't wake her up after months of her imposed sleep deprivation.  So I let her sleep another half an hour.  I went back in and woke her up.  I said with a grin,  "where is my blessing?"   she reached, and stretched to try to get her halo but couldn't reach it without leaving her warm bed.  We both started laughing and I laid my head next to hers and said,  "who knew my blessing would be hanging on a lamp shade"   we laughed and giggled.  I looked at her and said,  "where IS my blessing?"  and she said,  "here I am"  and I stroked her hair for a moment and said,  "yes there you are".  Then I asked my blessing if she wanted to sleep a little longer but she was already there.

I ask you today where are your blessings?  Halo or not,  where is your blessing?

Gratitude

KING HENRY V might explain so much my then unknown urgency...

:
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

I know this quote is not traditionally very "Lenty".  A cry for war?   But I see the spirit of God working all around me.  I am gathering strength every day with the Lent covenant  I have with a loving and supportive God. I feel Him beside me every day within the noise and struggles, within the seasons changing before my eyes and the path in front of me in which all things are possible. He understands my battle cry and knows that I move forth to protect all of His children.

listen/silence

"He doesn't answer me mom..."

Through tears this is what my daughter told me last night. She is going through some acute emotional distress and has been being punished severely (my opinion) at her other residence. "They told me that God isn't going to be there for me because I am a bad person." I told her that God is there for everyone and everyone at one time or another makes mistakes or get in a place they are marginalized. But God is always listening. "He doesn't answer me. I try and I try and there is nothing."

 In the past 48 hours my daughter has had a nervous breakdown and let spill all the things that are going on when she is elsewhere. Heartbreaking things, scary things, unacceptable things (my opinion) and she is suffering from fear and anxiety. In the last 48 hours she has started talking about it. She is my quiet one. She is talking. So as we sat there in conversation I ask God for guidance with my words addressing his silence. I was literally filled with the words as if they were just being poured into me.

 I said, "Darlin', its possible God's silence wasn't a brush off. Perhaps his silence was giving you courage and space to find your own voice. To speak up to people that can help you. Perhaps, right now as we sit here talking about all these hard things and when you talked to the Dr's about all these hard things, you were being bathed in a blessing so powerful that you didn't recognize it. You found your voice. You are not afraid to say, "this is happening and its not okay.". Some people live their entire lives without that gift. God has answered your prayers by giving you the ability to allow others to help you do things that God cannot do without your voice. Think about sweetheart, God is right here in this room hearing your voice. The voice he has been prompting you to find. He answered you. He blessed you. He loves you." It all came out of my mouth before I even really knew all that I was saying. I believe He guided me to help her see him. The urgency which I was feeling to honor Lent this year keeps paying me back ten fold with blessings everyday and I sit awestruck with the power this exercise holds for me.

I pray that everyone will find a blessing this Lenton season

.

Gratitude

God gave me 50 years, the least I can do is give Him 40 days...

yep, thats all I got...  some days are more reflective than others.  My pastor is sick and for a moment this morning I was paralized with fear. I have had her in my prayers all day.   

Poems and Prayers and Promises and Apologies...

After a lifetime , that is 3 weeks in "mother speak" or as my 12  year old daughter would call it, hyperbole. She knows this at 12? She pronounces it correctly as well. She brought home a book of all sorts of poems from a school project. But I digress, the last time I saw them was on a Monday morning as I dropped them off at school.  I was to pick them up like I always do afterward.  Except life happened and I was late.  Not just few minutes mind you but off the charts late.   When I was finally able to get to a phone I knew that I should call their father first before heading down to try to gather them up.  Experience has taught  me that putting myself in such a position would only open my girls up to seeing and hearing inexcuseable hateful and childish behavior from the adults they have to live with. So I made the call.  I asked if they were both safe.  And yes they were. I then said I would come and pick them up from their father's home so that I could apologize to them and spend my last night with them. He refused to allow me  I tried, of course to call them that evening so that I could apologize at least on the phone but he never did answer the phone all 4 times I called that night and never once  told the girls I had tried to call.

I have been beating myself up for 3 weeks over this because I was blocked from talking to them.    I was terrified to pick them up today for fear there would be a commotion.  I no longer put myself in aproximation to the culprits for the girls sake however there are times they get me cornered anyway. I ring the doorbell and quote part of a poem, 

"go placidly amongst the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"

I then walk slowly back to my car and wait for them to come out.  And yes I have my tape recorder rolling in case turning the other cheek doesn't work I will have proof of the abuse.   I believe one can act Christ like and watch their back at the same time.

The girls came out and bounced into the car.  The first thing out of of their mouths were "where were you on Monday mom?".  Whew,  I was so relieved that I had their ears and their bodies all seat belted in so that I could tell them everything!  You know it is an amazing thing when an adult apologizes to a child.  They suddenly feel like people.  They sit taller in their seats and hang on every word you say.   I apologized for being late.  I acknowledged that they must have felt fear, worry, anger, disappointment and that I wanted so much to let them know that I loved them and it was okay however they felt.  Come to find out their biggest fear was the possible explosion of nastiness.   I was honest with them that when their father said I couldn't come get them I decided to just let it go peacefully.  My 12 year old put her hand on my arm and sincerely said,  "thanks mom".  

We went straight to the store to gather our feasts for the next few days.  The minute we were out of the car I was inundated with multiple hugs from them both.  We all were transformed.  I felt it in my body and it shown brightly on the girls faces.   We spoke of Lent and they both told me of their sacrifices they had chosen.   12 year old is stopping popping her knuckles (yay) may our loving God keep her hands busy for the next month!  10 year old is giving up desserts. (please God make sure she eats a full dinner at night or she will be haunted by snack demons for 40 days) They asked me what I was giving up and I said that it was hard to explain unless you understand what existentialism is.  12 year old knows the word!  Luckily, she will have to google it first before we have a conversation about it.  She then asked what I was going  to start doing.  I stopped and said,  "The first thing I want to do is to speak prayerfully when dealing with hard situations."She hugged me again and said, "I love that idea mom!  And you are doing really good!"

Loving God, I pray a prayer of thanks, gratitude and humility.   I sleep tonight without a doubt in my mind that we are all connected , even if we are sometimes separated... amen

Driven to Distraction

Today I have given my time over to silence.  The wind, still relentless btw, is dancing around my wind chimes and making beautiful music for me.  I sit here and look around at all the "must take care of" tasks and have thoughtfully wondered why I just don't take care of them.  Most of it is REALLY important things!  I sit paralyzed and I do not know why. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  I am not sure  which is more anxiety ridden for me, my action or the reaction. And truthfully, if I don't take action, the reaction will still take place.  To quote Getty Lee "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice".

I find myself saying, "I am just going to give it to God and have faith that he has a plan." But I think I am kidding myself.  If I truly believed that, wouldn't I  take care of my tasks and trust the reaction will be guided by God's plan? Am I in fact, giving it to God unfinished  and then just snatching it back in fear that He doesn't have a plan for me?  Am I rendering Him helpless because of my lack of faith?  He must be very frustrated with me.  I could very well control (there is that word again) my own destiny right into the ground while God sadly shakes his head waiting for me to just let him send me a helicopter.

             

Rend Your Hearts and Not Your Clothing...

I was overcome this evening, the minute I left service tonight I found myself with uncontrollable tears  pouring down my cheeks.    I have no idea where they came from.  I pulled over half way home and sat with it.  Searching my mind and recent history for the catalyst but silence was all there was. I turned my car toward home and just let the tears flow.   As I exited my car I was  buffeted by this relentless wind.   I hate the wind.  Out of all weather experiences wind is my least favorite.  I stopped dead in my tracks in the middle of the parking lot though when I realized that my tears that were still falling were being splayed across my face.  The coolness was so refreshing and I stood there with my face to the wind until my face was completely dry and fresh.   The tears were gone and I have decided not to try to keep analyzing it.   It wasn't a bad experience, confusing, yes. But I suspect it was a gift. A private blessing.

This post does not resemble what I had in mind when I started my day.  Perhaps I need to just let things happen this season of Lent.  Control has always been a problem for me.

A Prayer to My Loving God...

before I go to bed this evening.  Hear my plea, hear my sincerity and wait paitently until I return tomorrow after church for me to set in cyberstone my desires to please you and the reasons behind them, if they are not already self evident.

Shrove Tuesday was a blessing. 

now I pray...

Unexplained Urgency

I fell into an unexpected introduction to God a long time ago. Or, perhaps it should be explained as a reintroduction of two entities that had started out on the wrong foot the first time.  Nonetheless, I still recall it as a "fall".  Like Alice tripping into the rabbit hole.  Falling down, down, down, until I came to rest, rather violently, on warm and fertile soil. The initial jolt was alarming but my surroundings were quite pleasant so I quickly got over the rough landing.

Today is Shrove Tuesday, the eve before Lent.   I will go to church tonight to share company and pancakes. Tomorrow begins Lent. 40 days to stay silent and listen to things that are usually drowned out by the noise in my life.  My life is noisy, inside and out.