I tried to find Doug Lobb's sermon he gave the day that Kim had been taken to the hospital. I especially loved the conversation he had with Jesus over the coffee table that morning at 7am. He is a funny guy and a good preacher.
He began speaking about the Pharisees taunting Jesus. "Where is this "Kingdom" you teach about show us and we will believe you." Jesus told them " I cannot say look to the east and say it is there just over the hill" "cannot say be patient it is coming or it is down the street to your right".
The kingdom is here. Under your feet. Under my feet. In our everyday life. In the good deeds ( and the bad) that we do. I offer you the kingdom now.
A light went on for me. Perhaps because I have a counselor who is the princess of existentialism. A philosophy which has been hard for me to grasp. Maybe because you can't grasp it. You have to have the faith to let go of everything else. Now she is an excellent counselor but even she (I think) would have a hard time sitting down and trying to explain existentialism to the Pharisees. In fact I have a sad picture of my counselor being taken to slaughter for blasphemy. Even though she is one of the most Christ like persons I know.
When Jesus said the kingdom is "at hand" could he be saying it is now. You walk in the kingdom, you live in the kingdom. Take care of our kingdom because this is it.
I walked out that day and saw everything and everyone differently. Were my footsteps holy and compelled with the truth that I was already here? I don't know. but it has made me think more about my relationships, my commitments, my words, my works, my compassion. For is we are actually living in the Kingdom I want to make sure I am taking care of its sometimes unseen grandeur. Treat it as a gift every morning for I live in the Holy Kingdom of God.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
silence
I prepared for this Lent journey. It was “other worldly” in its importance. I didn’t know why but I assumed it was my muse poking at me again. I always get excited when my muse begins to bother me. I miss writing. I especially miss writing good things. I just knew that this was going to be a journey of discovery and words winding through it like a river. Lots of “oh wow” moments and the world hold it in high esteem as the quintessential spiritual must read. I just knew it. Not unlike A Christmas Story when he knew that his essay was going to change the world and the teacher would faint…
I began happy with a whole new project with little clues that came from this and that and certainly I am not making fun for all the things that I have learned along the way. But as I look back I have been too busy living Lent than writing about it. The chronicles of my journey lies within the minutes and the hours and the decisions and the emotions, most of which I didn’t take the time to write down.
Thursday is Maundy Thursday, then Good Friday… the sanctuary will be filled with the silence of the night that Christ was taken from us. The hard words written thousands of years ago. I will cry. I will cry for the experience, all of it. I will cry for the sacrifice of following through with a conviction from a man who I never met but lives in my heart everyday. I will cry for myself for the words that that didn’t come from me in tribute and gratitude. Words I wanted to write but didn’t. Thoughts I wanted to share with people and didn’t. I didn’t write. I have no clue why.
Darkest days are coming. The hardest days are coming
And a celebration of life and resurrection is coming. I have no doubt that this blog will remain quiet. I wish I understood why.
I began happy with a whole new project with little clues that came from this and that and certainly I am not making fun for all the things that I have learned along the way. But as I look back I have been too busy living Lent than writing about it. The chronicles of my journey lies within the minutes and the hours and the decisions and the emotions, most of which I didn’t take the time to write down.
Thursday is Maundy Thursday, then Good Friday… the sanctuary will be filled with the silence of the night that Christ was taken from us. The hard words written thousands of years ago. I will cry. I will cry for the experience, all of it. I will cry for the sacrifice of following through with a conviction from a man who I never met but lives in my heart everyday. I will cry for myself for the words that that didn’t come from me in tribute and gratitude. Words I wanted to write but didn’t. Thoughts I wanted to share with people and didn’t. I didn’t write. I have no clue why.
Darkest days are coming. The hardest days are coming
And a celebration of life and resurrection is coming. I have no doubt that this blog will remain quiet. I wish I understood why.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Struggles with myself
Loving God please help me pray not for those things that I want to happen but pray for what you want to happen in my life. And please help me to understand if they are so opposite of one another. Grant me stillness in my heart and grace and trust in your greater plan.
amen
amen
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Help
Please loving God keep my broken heart from standing in the way of clear mindfulness and appropriate actions. Please do not let my sorrow for the damage that has been and is being done to the children I gave birth to make my heart harden with hatred. Please help me remain silent when silence is the only way to can find your comfort and guidance. Please pull me from my mourning of the innocence lost and be strong so that I can teach healing and safety and faith.
Please give me strength and walk closer to me so that I can be mindful of the promises I have made to you. Also, that I may remember and thank you loving God for the blessings which you have already bestowed upon me this Lenton Season
It is a dark night tonight. I feel so small. I will go to bed with this prayer in my heart.
amen
Please give me strength and walk closer to me so that I can be mindful of the promises I have made to you. Also, that I may remember and thank you loving God for the blessings which you have already bestowed upon me this Lenton Season
It is a dark night tonight. I feel so small. I will go to bed with this prayer in my heart.
amen
Monday, March 19, 2012
Day Two
My blessing is having night terrors, will not eat and has strep throat.
I will practice praying for my enemies tonight.
I will practice praying for my enemies tonight.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Where is my blessing?
I lived here for almost a year and everyday I find a man staying the appropriate amount away from our now smoke free building. We first just said hello, then a little small talk and then one day we spend a few minutes in the sunshine together. We talked a bit about kids and cars. I made the off-hand comment that I haven't cleaned my car in years..... YEARS... seriously. Late that night he came to my door and asked me if I knew my trunk was open (oh yeah and it was raining). I thanked him for noticing it and started to put my shoes on but he stopped me and said he would be glad to go do it. He asked for my keys to make sure my battery wasn't drained. I didn't think at the time but then this creeping horror came over me because my awful truth was about to be known outside the secret circle of close friends. My car is a freaking horror! Once it goes into my car it rarely sees the light of day (except though the sun roof) . I paced back and forth until he returned and I said quite embarrssedly, "like my car?" And he said without a blink of an eye, "No" "You and your beautiful children should be sitting in a comfortable and clean car. I nodded my head in embarrassment and he said, "I would love the chance to clean it for you" I think I just stood there ready to say no , but before I said anything he said, "The hardest part of charity is being on the receiving end because we never believe we deserve it. You deserve it. Please give me the blessing of giving this to you". My pastor's voice began to slip in my ears, that it was the moment I could bless him by saying yes. I said "Yes" with my eyes first cast to the ground but I raised the long enough to look him sqaurely in the eye and say a heart felt "thank you". He absolutely beemed with joy. He came the next day at 3pm and I handed over my keys.
At 6pm he came back and handed me several cans of this and that. He told me how low all my fluids were and the consequences of such. I thanked him but he say "Oh I am not finished yet" I looked at him curiouly and said, "but you spent 3 hours down there. He said that he had washed all the windows inside and out and checked my fluids but there is more to be done so I will be back again. I stood speechless.
He then called Hannah to the door. He said, "you know when you see your mother smile that smile where her whole face lights up? She nodded. "Are you committed to make that happen for 7 days?" She said, "of course! He brought out a beautiful metal "halo" of sorts and said, "Okay then this is what I want you to do for 7 days. Every day when your mother's alarm goes off, go to her with this on your head and wake her up. Mom you will say, "where is my blessing" and Hannah you will say, "Here I am". Promise me to do it for one week and you will see that smile on your mother every time." She laughed and said okay. He left then to have dinner with his wife.
Then comes morning. Hannah put the halo on the lamp next to the bed. She missed my alarm but I couldn't wake her up after months of her imposed sleep deprivation. So I let her sleep another half an hour. I went back in and woke her up. I said with a grin, "where is my blessing?" she reached, and stretched to try to get her halo but couldn't reach it without leaving her warm bed. We both started laughing and I laid my head next to hers and said, "who knew my blessing would be hanging on a lamp shade" we laughed and giggled. I looked at her and said, "where IS my blessing?" and she said, "here I am" and I stroked her hair for a moment and said, "yes there you are". Then I asked my blessing if she wanted to sleep a little longer but she was already there.
I ask you today where are your blessings? Halo or not, where is your blessing?
At 6pm he came back and handed me several cans of this and that. He told me how low all my fluids were and the consequences of such. I thanked him but he say "Oh I am not finished yet" I looked at him curiouly and said, "but you spent 3 hours down there. He said that he had washed all the windows inside and out and checked my fluids but there is more to be done so I will be back again. I stood speechless.
He then called Hannah to the door. He said, "you know when you see your mother smile that smile where her whole face lights up? She nodded. "Are you committed to make that happen for 7 days?" She said, "of course! He brought out a beautiful metal "halo" of sorts and said, "Okay then this is what I want you to do for 7 days. Every day when your mother's alarm goes off, go to her with this on your head and wake her up. Mom you will say, "where is my blessing" and Hannah you will say, "Here I am". Promise me to do it for one week and you will see that smile on your mother every time." She laughed and said okay. He left then to have dinner with his wife.
Then comes morning. Hannah put the halo on the lamp next to the bed. She missed my alarm but I couldn't wake her up after months of her imposed sleep deprivation. So I let her sleep another half an hour. I went back in and woke her up. I said with a grin, "where is my blessing?" she reached, and stretched to try to get her halo but couldn't reach it without leaving her warm bed. We both started laughing and I laid my head next to hers and said, "who knew my blessing would be hanging on a lamp shade" we laughed and giggled. I looked at her and said, "where IS my blessing?" and she said, "here I am" and I stroked her hair for a moment and said, "yes there you are". Then I asked my blessing if she wanted to sleep a little longer but she was already there.
I ask you today where are your blessings? Halo or not, where is your blessing?
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