"He doesn't answer me mom..."

Through tears this is what my daughter told me last night. She is going through some acute emotional distress and has been being punished severely (my opinion) at her other residence. "They told me that God isn't going to be there for me because I am a bad person." I told her that God is there for everyone and everyone at one time or another makes mistakes or get in a place they are marginalized. But God is always listening. "He doesn't answer me. I try and I try and there is nothing."

 In the past 48 hours my daughter has had a nervous breakdown and let spill all the things that are going on when she is elsewhere. Heartbreaking things, scary things, unacceptable things (my opinion) and she is suffering from fear and anxiety. In the last 48 hours she has started talking about it. She is my quiet one. She is talking. So as we sat there in conversation I ask God for guidance with my words addressing his silence. I was literally filled with the words as if they were just being poured into me.

 I said, "Darlin', its possible God's silence wasn't a brush off. Perhaps his silence was giving you courage and space to find your own voice. To speak up to people that can help you. Perhaps, right now as we sit here talking about all these hard things and when you talked to the Dr's about all these hard things, you were being bathed in a blessing so powerful that you didn't recognize it. You found your voice. You are not afraid to say, "this is happening and its not okay.". Some people live their entire lives without that gift. God has answered your prayers by giving you the ability to allow others to help you do things that God cannot do without your voice. Think about sweetheart, God is right here in this room hearing your voice. The voice he has been prompting you to find. He answered you. He blessed you. He loves you." It all came out of my mouth before I even really knew all that I was saying. I believe He guided me to help her see him. The urgency which I was feeling to honor Lent this year keeps paying me back ten fold with blessings everyday and I sit awestruck with the power this exercise holds for me.

I pray that everyone will find a blessing this Lenton season

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Gratitude

God gave me 50 years, the least I can do is give Him 40 days...

yep, thats all I got...  some days are more reflective than others.  My pastor is sick and for a moment this morning I was paralized with fear. I have had her in my prayers all day.   

Poems and Prayers and Promises and Apologies...

After a lifetime , that is 3 weeks in "mother speak" or as my 12  year old daughter would call it, hyperbole. She knows this at 12? She pronounces it correctly as well. She brought home a book of all sorts of poems from a school project. But I digress, the last time I saw them was on a Monday morning as I dropped them off at school.  I was to pick them up like I always do afterward.  Except life happened and I was late.  Not just few minutes mind you but off the charts late.   When I was finally able to get to a phone I knew that I should call their father first before heading down to try to gather them up.  Experience has taught  me that putting myself in such a position would only open my girls up to seeing and hearing inexcuseable hateful and childish behavior from the adults they have to live with. So I made the call.  I asked if they were both safe.  And yes they were. I then said I would come and pick them up from their father's home so that I could apologize to them and spend my last night with them. He refused to allow me  I tried, of course to call them that evening so that I could apologize at least on the phone but he never did answer the phone all 4 times I called that night and never once  told the girls I had tried to call.

I have been beating myself up for 3 weeks over this because I was blocked from talking to them.    I was terrified to pick them up today for fear there would be a commotion.  I no longer put myself in aproximation to the culprits for the girls sake however there are times they get me cornered anyway. I ring the doorbell and quote part of a poem, 

"go placidly amongst the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"

I then walk slowly back to my car and wait for them to come out.  And yes I have my tape recorder rolling in case turning the other cheek doesn't work I will have proof of the abuse.   I believe one can act Christ like and watch their back at the same time.

The girls came out and bounced into the car.  The first thing out of of their mouths were "where were you on Monday mom?".  Whew,  I was so relieved that I had their ears and their bodies all seat belted in so that I could tell them everything!  You know it is an amazing thing when an adult apologizes to a child.  They suddenly feel like people.  They sit taller in their seats and hang on every word you say.   I apologized for being late.  I acknowledged that they must have felt fear, worry, anger, disappointment and that I wanted so much to let them know that I loved them and it was okay however they felt.  Come to find out their biggest fear was the possible explosion of nastiness.   I was honest with them that when their father said I couldn't come get them I decided to just let it go peacefully.  My 12 year old put her hand on my arm and sincerely said,  "thanks mom".  

We went straight to the store to gather our feasts for the next few days.  The minute we were out of the car I was inundated with multiple hugs from them both.  We all were transformed.  I felt it in my body and it shown brightly on the girls faces.   We spoke of Lent and they both told me of their sacrifices they had chosen.   12 year old is stopping popping her knuckles (yay) may our loving God keep her hands busy for the next month!  10 year old is giving up desserts. (please God make sure she eats a full dinner at night or she will be haunted by snack demons for 40 days) They asked me what I was giving up and I said that it was hard to explain unless you understand what existentialism is.  12 year old knows the word!  Luckily, she will have to google it first before we have a conversation about it.  She then asked what I was going  to start doing.  I stopped and said,  "The first thing I want to do is to speak prayerfully when dealing with hard situations."She hugged me again and said, "I love that idea mom!  And you are doing really good!"

Loving God, I pray a prayer of thanks, gratitude and humility.   I sleep tonight without a doubt in my mind that we are all connected , even if we are sometimes separated... amen

Driven to Distraction

Today I have given my time over to silence.  The wind, still relentless btw, is dancing around my wind chimes and making beautiful music for me.  I sit here and look around at all the "must take care of" tasks and have thoughtfully wondered why I just don't take care of them.  Most of it is REALLY important things!  I sit paralyzed and I do not know why. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  I am not sure  which is more anxiety ridden for me, my action or the reaction. And truthfully, if I don't take action, the reaction will still take place.  To quote Getty Lee "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice".

I find myself saying, "I am just going to give it to God and have faith that he has a plan." But I think I am kidding myself.  If I truly believed that, wouldn't I  take care of my tasks and trust the reaction will be guided by God's plan? Am I in fact, giving it to God unfinished  and then just snatching it back in fear that He doesn't have a plan for me?  Am I rendering Him helpless because of my lack of faith?  He must be very frustrated with me.  I could very well control (there is that word again) my own destiny right into the ground while God sadly shakes his head waiting for me to just let him send me a helicopter.

             

Rend Your Hearts and Not Your Clothing...

I was overcome this evening, the minute I left service tonight I found myself with uncontrollable tears  pouring down my cheeks.    I have no idea where they came from.  I pulled over half way home and sat with it.  Searching my mind and recent history for the catalyst but silence was all there was. I turned my car toward home and just let the tears flow.   As I exited my car I was  buffeted by this relentless wind.   I hate the wind.  Out of all weather experiences wind is my least favorite.  I stopped dead in my tracks in the middle of the parking lot though when I realized that my tears that were still falling were being splayed across my face.  The coolness was so refreshing and I stood there with my face to the wind until my face was completely dry and fresh.   The tears were gone and I have decided not to try to keep analyzing it.   It wasn't a bad experience, confusing, yes. But I suspect it was a gift. A private blessing.

This post does not resemble what I had in mind when I started my day.  Perhaps I need to just let things happen this season of Lent.  Control has always been a problem for me.

A Prayer to My Loving God...

before I go to bed this evening.  Hear my plea, hear my sincerity and wait paitently until I return tomorrow after church for me to set in cyberstone my desires to please you and the reasons behind them, if they are not already self evident.

Shrove Tuesday was a blessing. 

now I pray...

Unexplained Urgency

I fell into an unexpected introduction to God a long time ago. Or, perhaps it should be explained as a reintroduction of two entities that had started out on the wrong foot the first time.  Nonetheless, I still recall it as a "fall".  Like Alice tripping into the rabbit hole.  Falling down, down, down, until I came to rest, rather violently, on warm and fertile soil. The initial jolt was alarming but my surroundings were quite pleasant so I quickly got over the rough landing.

Today is Shrove Tuesday, the eve before Lent.   I will go to church tonight to share company and pancakes. Tomorrow begins Lent. 40 days to stay silent and listen to things that are usually drowned out by the noise in my life.  My life is noisy, inside and out.