Shiny Things and Unfinished Business

It has been a year since I opened this journal.   I didn't even finish with a post on Easter.   Distraction was right there waiting for me and poof, I was gone.   I am saddened by this because last year's experience was, I am convinced, divinely inspired and custom fit for me.   Lent was the most spiritually active time I had last year.   I remember, as I now click through the journey, just how much growth happened.  But I am longing for the full disclosure of self that I neglected to write down for myself for future reference.  For right now.  I need to remember in words the feelings I had and I didn't and more than ever I wish I had.

So on this,  Ash Wednesday,  my second journey into Lent,  I am hopeful  that I recover old insights that I have been too busy to think about.  I am hopeful that I receive new insights and blessings.

My prayer:   Loving God,  help me still the fear I have allowed to creep back into my life.   Help me find whatever it is waiting for me and help me remember Your Grace is with me always.   -amen-

Was Jesus an existentialist

I tried to find Doug Lobb's sermon he gave the day that Kim had been taken to the hospital.   I especially loved the conversation he had with Jesus over the coffee table that morning at 7am.   He is a funny guy and a good preacher.

He began speaking about the Pharisees taunting Jesus.   "Where is this "Kingdom" you teach about show us and we will believe you."  Jesus told them " I cannot say look to the east and say it is there just over the hill"  "cannot say be patient it is coming or it is down the street to your right".

The kingdom is here.  Under your feet.  Under my feet.  In our everyday life.  In the good deeds ( and the bad) that we do.   I offer you the kingdom now.

A light went on for me.  Perhaps because I have a counselor who is the princess of existentialism.  A philosophy which has been hard for me to grasp.  Maybe because you can't grasp it.  You have to have the faith to let go of everything else.  Now she is an excellent counselor but even she (I think) would have a hard time sitting down and trying to explain existentialism to the Pharisees.  In fact I have a sad picture of my counselor being taken to slaughter for blasphemy.  Even though she is one of the most Christ like persons I know.

When Jesus said the kingdom is "at hand" could he be saying it is now.  You walk in the kingdom, you live in the kingdom.  Take care of our kingdom because this is it.  

I walked out that day and saw everything and everyone differently.   Were my footsteps holy and compelled with the truth that I was already here?   I don't know. but it has made me think more about my relationships, my commitments,  my words,  my works, my compassion.  For is we are actually living in the Kingdom I want to make sure I am taking care of its sometimes unseen grandeur.  Treat it as a gift every morning for I live in the Holy Kingdom of God.

Thank you for the time in between...

silence

I prepared for this Lent journey. It was “other worldly” in its importance. I didn’t know why but I assumed it was my muse poking at me again. I always get excited when my muse begins to bother me. I miss writing. I especially miss writing good things. I just knew that this was going to be a journey of discovery and words winding through it like a river. Lots of “oh wow” moments and the world hold it in high esteem as the quintessential spiritual must read. I just knew it. Not unlike A Christmas Story when he knew that his essay was going to change the world and the teacher would faint…

I began happy with a whole new project with little clues that came from this and that and certainly I am not making fun for all the things that I have learned along the way. But as I look back I have been too busy living Lent than writing about it. The chronicles of my journey lies within the minutes and the hours and the decisions and the emotions, most of which I didn’t take the time to write down.

Thursday is Maundy Thursday, then Good Friday… the sanctuary will be filled with the silence of the night that Christ was taken from us. The hard words written thousands of years ago.  I will cry. I will cry for the experience, all of it. I will cry for the sacrifice of following through with a conviction from a man who I never met but lives in my heart everyday. I will cry for myself for the words that that didn’t come from me in tribute and gratitude. Words I wanted to write but didn’t. Thoughts I wanted to share with people and didn’t. I didn’t write. I have no clue why.

Darkest days are coming. The hardest days are coming

And a celebration of life and resurrection is coming. I have no doubt that this blog will remain quiet. I wish I understood why.

Struggles with myself

Loving God please help me pray not for those things that I want to happen but pray for what you want to happen in my life.  And please help me to understand if they are so opposite of one another.  Grant me stillness in my heart and grace and trust in your greater plan.

amen

Help

Please loving God keep my broken heart from standing in the way of clear mindfulness  and appropriate actions.  Please do not let my sorrow for the damage that has been and is being done to the children I gave birth to make my heart harden with hatred. Please help me remain silent when silence is the only way to can find your comfort and guidance. Please pull me from my mourning of the innocence lost  and be strong so that I can teach healing and safety and faith.

Please give me strength and walk closer to me so that I can be mindful of the promises I have made to you.  Also,  that I may remember and thank you loving God for the blessings which you have already bestowed upon me this Lenton Season

It is a dark night tonight.  I feel so small.  I will go to bed with this prayer in my heart.

amen

Day Two

My blessing is having night terrors, will not eat and has strep throat. 

I will practice praying for my enemies tonight.